Complete Copy of The Fox's Rewardn plus short folk comedy Nail Broth

THE FOX'S REWARD


by Mark Scrivener

© Mark Scrivener 2014


inspired by the anonymous. medieval French comedy “Pierre Pathelin”

“…he is the reverse of blind, but his keen eyesight is forced into the
service of evil, and he is mischievous in proportion to his cleverness.”
-SOCRATES, PLATO THE REPUBLIC, BOOK VIICHARACTERS

Vulpes a shrewd lawyer 40+ (Vool-pahs)Marguerite his wifeJasper a greedy draper William his young shepherdJudge Jeeble white-haired, solemn The action takes place in the course of a day.
Act One- Morning
Act Two- Midday
Act Three- An hour or two later
Act Four- Late afternoonNB the action could also been seen as two acts (ACT ONE=1-3, ACT TWO= 4)
with interval between.
ACT ONE SCENE ONE

Medieval. Early morning. Vulpes sits on a stool outside his house, humming. Enter Marguerite. She stands in the doorway.

Marguerite

Just look at you, you luckless good-for-little,

Fine, lounging fox in lazy morning sun;

You idle shame, you poor excuse for shadow!

The work-called day is scarcely under way

And you're already resting your poor legs.

Vulpes

Poor legs, poor arms, poor body, and poor me!

I'm poor all over; there's a plain-seen truth.

I'm rich in poverty, in lack a lord.

Thus seen, what I have not, amounts to much-

A seeming set of clothes; good gold in store;

Food filling larders; fine and flowing cloaks;

An eager steed to gallop from my dust;

A library rich in law and lighter reading;

And manifold besides. Indeed, my wealth,

In penury, is most astonishing.

Marguerite (smiling)

I am not moved, dear fool, to feel amazed;

Nor much amused by turning words which would

Spin dark to light, bleak cold to summer heat;

For all I see still speaks a tattered truth,

Proclaiming your time-patched appearance as

Ill-starred, unfavoured by Fortuna, like

A tuneless minstrel or a poor-voiced player.

Vulpes (yawning)

Ah, Marguerite, however hard I labour

To pluck plump winnings from my work, I find

I cannot pile a few, fit coins together.

The harvest of my wit brings withered fruit.

Yet once I'd many ripe, rich clients; many.

How fickle fortune’s fated wheel. How hard

To hold on high; to keep from creaking downward.

Marguerite (mock serious)

Oh, Vulpes, stop! My ears, my ears just ring

From ever-hearing your sad rant about

Your faultless fall from fortune’s grace and all

The gratitude your once-great clients showed.

Did all your wit and word-embroidered cunning

Fit you to forecast this misfortune's flood?

Have you good cure for its cause? Forget

Your fine, past cases famed in court. These days,

Through all the length and width of world, there lives

No one who feels minutest faith in you.

Vulpes

No faith. Indeed, it is a faithless world.

Marguerite (ironically)

Well said, and what a marvel to pronounce.

Is this some wonder no one trusts your talent?

You boast no recent cases of repute.

Yet I recall how once they all would want

No one but you to win their court-blessed battles.

You know what laughing name they leave you now?

The has-been lawyer. That is what I've heard.

Vulpes

But nonetheless, and I am not in this

Just simply preening frayed and faded feathers,

Mine is the eagle mind of all this district,

In force and flight so far above the others

They seem mere distant magpies, crows, and sparrows.

Marguerite

Fine-feathered maybe, but with empty nest.

Vulpes (blustering)

Just try to image forth a case that I

Would not win once I matched my mind to it.

Yet I show not as spectacled professor,

Some greybeard pouring over yellowed parchment.

But though I'm not a rule book swat, I could

Beat any haggling Latin-learned scholar

And pound his argument into dry dust.

Marguerite

Intoning vanished glory fills no bellies,

Nor bans the thin and bitter ghost of hunger.

Look at our weary clothes- all holes and patches,

But fit for biting wind and scorn to blow through!

Vulpes

Our clothes, our clothes! Are those your only bother?

Look, nothing is as swift as changing fortune.

One spin of fate can make a beggar king;

One dice roll make the poorest gambler smile,

For there’s no chilling night that’s everlasting

For after dark new dawn delights the sky.

Marguerite

To wait for chance lets chances slip you by.

Vulpes

By all the stars that gleam in God's great heaven,

By both great, golden sun and silver moon,

Just give old lightning wit a chance to think-

No brain helps better than mine does at this.

(Vulpes taps his head)

Marguerite

Yes, no one owns such craft at cunning cheating.

Vulpes

At honest pleading, dear, at honest pleading

And all the finer, tangled points of law.

Marguerite

Yes, lying, swindling and misrepresenting.

You know your fundamental flaw? There lives

Not one soul who would credit you with growing

A single scholared hair upon your head.

Yet all agree that head is packed with cunning,

With slyness, craft and wit and trickery.

Vulpes

Yes, yes. Correct. A master of the law.

A dean of disputation, that's a fact.

Marguerite

A little lord of lies- so others think.

Vulpes

I work no worse than all those fools who dress

In silks and satins; peacock-proud and brainless...

(Vulpes looks across to where Jasper, the draper, has started putting out

cloth on display on a bench before his shop)

In silks and satins...curiously though

My mind's just made a way this very moment.

Dear wife, adieu. Adieu to you. I'm off

To market to begin some bargaining.

Marguerite

To market, fool ?

Vulpes

Yes, mark it- to the market!

Marguerite

I mark it well and marking it I mark

You've missed your mark, for mark well my remark,

If I don't miss the mark in marking this-

You’re off to market now with empty pockets,

Remarkably impoverished, without

A penny.

Vulpes

Marking your remarks I mark

Although I’m penniless with empty pockets,

You’ll mark my head’s not empty. Though I'm penceless,

I am not senseless: for my wealth's aloft.

By marking well this last remark, you’ll mark

I have already marked a market mark

And will not miss my mark. Is that marked clearly?

Marguerite

Quite. As a black horse on a starless night.

Vulpes (grandly)

Dear wife, if I do not return with cloth

Capacious quite to dress the both of us

Then call me- call me senseless then. Adieu.

I shall return with richest robes for you.

( Vulpes exits stage right)

Marguerite (after him)

Adieu. Drink all you can, good Master Wit;

As long as another fool is buying it.

(with satisfaction to herself)

It took a little stirring to rekindle

The mettle of his mischief and to bring

His will from melancholy idleness

To flashing, fiery, and persuasive life.

But now, awake at last, it would appear

The hungry fox has sniffed a rabbit near.

(Marguerite exits, returning back through the house.)

ACT ONE SCENE TWO

The same. The Draper still putting out wares.

Jasper (happily to himself)

Another sun-spun day filled with fine promise,

The joyful promise of good profit found

By fleecing foolish customers. As ever

My plans are purposed to perfection, for

My shepherds shear four-footed sheep, while I

The woolly-headed ones who wish to buy.

(Jasper continues to arrange cloths. Vulpes enters top stage right. He pauses.)

Vulpes (musing)

First I consider need. What weaving hue

Best pleases free and flighty fancy’s choosing?

Should it be spread of light, heart-soothing blue,

Like wide and airy sky's infinitude?

Or white as is the carpet of fresh snow

That biting winter lays on all below?

Or maybe flame-brave red of sunset's gown?

Or sober beauty of an earth-born brown?

Perhaps the calm and growing garb of green,

Of grass and forest, draws regard when seen?

(Vulpes starts to cross over.)

For Marguerite, say, two yards and a half;

For me, let's see, a happy three or more...

Say, possibly a generous four...that is,

That is, in sum…

( Suddenly realizing he is at the draper's)

God-given day, good friend!

And how spins life with you, good Jasper, now,

Upon this bright and merry-minded morning?

Jasper (with a falsely melancholic air)

So, so, good Vulpes. Yes; so, so. You know

I am not bitter-mouthed. I am not one

To carp at life with hard-complaining tongue.

Yet still it forms no simple task to find

Necessities in these most narrow times-

These times when opportunity's a beggar

At tight-faced circumstance's door; these times

When we who once were proud of purse must watch

That we don't fall and pass to common poor.

But that’s enough of weight and worry’s way.

How's life with you? You seem spun light in spirit.

Vulpes

Indeed, my friend, that’s so. My spirit’s light

Because my pockets pull so golden-heavy.

I do not doubt your keen, fine ears have caught

The whisper on the gossip of the winds,

Soft rumour of my recent win: the case,

Word-wise with wit, I won some weeks ago.

Jasper

No, no. Can't claim I have.

Vulpes

What! Really? Well,

Tales of good fortune travel on tired feet,

While those of ruin ride on fiery steeds…

But nevertheless that bodes for me no bother.

I do not wish to bar my fortune's state

To curious and common gaze. Still, how's

Your health, my friend, how goes the living power?

Jasper

Oh, holding, saints be praised, still holding out.

Vulpes

Good faith be praised! Just as your father flourished!

He never knew an hour of wasteful illness

In all the bustle of his days. Now there,

I say, there was a proper one for you!

(Vulpes peers at Jasper)

And now to see it… now to look at you,

You are the very pattern of your pater,

His very likeness. Yes, he was a rare,

Old raven. So much like you. God save his soul!

Jasper

Amen.

Vulpes

Yes, many were ripe times when he

Held forth upon the future course of things…

A shrewd and crafty one he seemed to be!

The "weather-vane" we named him, for he ever

Would swing to point the way the winds were blowing.

Jasper

He was a tough but honest business man

And people liked to buy from him, you know.

Vulpes

Yes, many's the time I took from him myself.

Oh, he was one to trust to his own judgement.

But spins it not with wonder! You possess

The firm set of his mouth, his scheme of eyes,

The ears acute, that bravely searching nose.

Was ever father blessed with such a double.

Oh, even his blunt chin. Remarkable!

So many merry times we listened to

His moral tales or shared a harmless jest.

If there breathed more like him they'd live more trust,

Less thievery and low conniving.

(Vulpes starts to finger some cloth)

My, my,

A brave cloth you have here. So soft and strong.

Jasper

It's very fine. A weave from my own sheep.

Vulpes

I'd spun no plans to purchase such as this

On this particular, life-praising day.

Yet this close-woven cloth is excellent-

Most truly tempting to the eyes and touch,

Most rightly pleasing to a true discernment.

Such blue-hued beauty shines as praise to that

Most careful craft that forms the dyer's art.

Jasper

Like any work of gleaming craftsmanship

It's rather costly… you can understand…

But for a family friend…

Vulpes (interrupting)

Indeed, you know

It fires special fancy at first sight.

My case has gifted my poor purse with eighty

Gold-gleaming coins and I can see that you

Are sure to share in some of their abundance.

The colour- ah, like rarest art for vision!

Jasper

Good, golden coins. Well, if I cut it hard,

Just for a family friend (it's worth more, mind you),

Perhaps I’d let you rob me for, let's say,

Just four and twenty shillings for a yard.

Vulpes

What! Four and twenty shillings for a yard!

Jasper

By all that's tall in truth, I tell you this-

It costs me all of that just to replace.

Vulpes

Oh, that amount amounts to much. Too much!

For though I’ve moment’s wealth I cannot waste,

Like rough and spendthrift winds that shake gold leaves

From autumn trees to leave a winter bareness;

So I can’t spend without clear thought on cost

And end too soon with rubbing empty hands.

Jasper

Perhaps you don’t appreciate how prices

Have soared beyond the safety of all sense.

So many beasts expired from cruel frost

Or fell before the lash of blizzard fury,

This long, ice-bitter winter past, so many!

Vulpes

But surely we were blessed by hours of sun

On many chains of golden days that cheered

The mildest season which I well-remember?

Jasper (quickly)

Oh, no. Oh, no, my friend. For on the far,

Far higher fields it showed another face:

A winter wild and heightened by the heights.

Those slopes were ever slashed by wind so harsh

It was itself like knives of ice unseen,

With long, long nights that froze each singing stream.

And thus, in certain consequence, all costs

Have rapid-climbed like sudden storm’s arising.

Yes, it has been misfortune’s very making

And I have found my loss more than I feared.

Why, fleeces that once cost but seven shillings

Are now worth twenty. That's the open truth.

Vulpes (grandly)

Be that the nature of our costly days,

Then I shall buy. One must accept the changes

Of proper circumstance and passing time.

Jasper

Amen. That is a truth. How much have you

A fancy to be taking for your needs?

Vulpes

Let's see- four yards for me, some for my wife,

Let's say- two and a half, and with the hat

Let's guess at seven.

Jasper (measuring the cloth)

Thus I’ll start true measure.

If one's the sun above- that shines on you

Then that is two… and also shines on me

Then that is three…then earth below, what’s more,

Is four… and air that keeps us all alive

Is five… while life’s a mix of many tricks

And that is six… yet still we ever hope

For high reward in heaven… so that’s seven!

Vulpes

No doubt you’re well aware that honest care

Proscribes a slipshod measure that’s not strict.

Jasper

Perhaps you'd like it taken once again?

Vulpes

No. Worry not. For one must always lose

Or gain a little in this dealing world.

How much therefore is owed in total now?

Jasper

Well, seven yards at four and twenty shillings,

Just let me reckon rightly for a moment…

(Jasper fiddles with an abacus)

That is one hundred and eighty eight in all.

(Jasper cuts the cloth)

Vulpes (after calculating for a moment)

One hundred and sixty eight, I think you mean.

Jasper (pushing back two beads on abacus)

Oh, yes. Of course. Quite quickly rightly reckoned.

I cannot think what made me stumble so.

Vulpes

Fine, fine. Of course, for simple safety’s sake

I do not bare such large amounts with me.

I had not planned to purchase such a prize

When I set out upon this shining day.

So sooner started, sooner done. I shall

Return as fast as reasoned, fair intention

Is able to instruct my willing legs

With sparkling pockets filled with settling coins.

(Vulpes makes to go, but suddenly stops as if struck by an idea.)

No, no. I’m blessed by better thought than that.

You've never caught excuse to call on us,

So here's a golden chance for you to change

And taste of timely hospitality.

Come share some juicy goose and bubbling wine-

A good chat and a filling midday meal.

You surely can't refuse me that.

Jasper

A drink?

Vulpes

And goose. My wife was roasting fine, rich fowl

When I set out to greet this friendly day.

To taste the truth, I feel this meal will be

A favour of true flavour for the tongue,

A gift, a feast, a marvel for the mouth.

Indeed, you’ll find your goose well-cooked, I fancy.

Jasper

All right. That reasons well with me. Meanwhile

On your return please ready worthy money

And I’ll be pleased to take your pleasing offer

And carry your most-splendid cloth with me.

Vulpes

Oh, no. Oh, no. No problem there, my friend!

(Vulpes scoops the cloth up under his arm)

Jasper

No doubt your meal will draw my many thanks

As table’s bounty tasting of the best.

Yet now, my dear, old friend, you must allow

That I should bear the burden of this cloth.

(Jasper tries to take back the cloth)

Vulpes (evading him)

No, no, dear friend! I must insist that I

Shall save you all the labour of this load.

(Vulpes stops suddenly and looks serious)

Or do I here detect a drop of doubt?

Trust is that high-born virtue, that which binds

This turning world in harmony- or so

I’ve ever felt and thought. Indeed, I fear

I cannot carry out my buying trade,

If there's no trust between us now, dear brother.

(Vulpes offers back the cloth )

Jasper

Do not believe that I have no belief

In honest dealing, dearest brother! Of course,

I trust you truly for I know you know

That I would never fear default, for I

Trust I would always find a way to reach

An owing purse. The law is guarantee

For honoured traders such as I. So see

The counted gold is gathered there for me.

Vulpes

In truth, all worthy pay shall come to you.

Yet first you shall full-marvel at your meal.

You know, your father never passed our place

Without familiar greeting: "How go your stars?"

Or "what is stewing now, you crafty rascal?"

Ah, well, I must be off. See you at noon.

Jasper

All right, dear friend. I’ll be with you quite soon.

In fact, I smell sweet-roasting goose already.

Still please be sure my rightful money's ready.

For if it's not, dear friend, you'd best beware,

I'll drag you to the court and when I'm through,

I’ll end up wringing twice as much from you!

Vulpes

My friend, my friend, feel not the slightest fear.

All you deserve will doubtlessly appear.

(Jasper exits via his shop)

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

The same. Vulpes crossing back to his house

Vulpes

His money, money! Oh, his sainted money!

Forever rings his tiresome chatter like

Some pompous parrot in a gilded cage.

The twisted, black-souled enemy of man

Take him and all his false, greed-gotten gains!

(with a laugh)

As if I'd any coins to bless my name.

So short of money is he? Times are hard?

What gabbling rubbish! Times aren't tough for him.

The dull-eyed, thin-faced ghost of poverty

Has not been sitting at his table. No,

My plump and purse-proud friend, if you arrive

To sponge on our sparse victuals you'll leave

A very hungry guest. Ah, Marguerite,

I have returned. About those honest-worn

And wholly hole-blessed clothes of ours...

(Marguerite enters and Vulpes hides the cloth behind his back)

Marguerite

Oh, yes.

And what wild weavings have you schemed for them?

Vulpes

I merely thought, my dear, you might be moved

To take a sharing in my shopping raid.

How's this for fine and useful cloth?

(Vulpes produces the cloth)

Marguerite (feeling the cloth)

Most fine,

Most useful, as you say. But what poor fool

Was promptly parted from his property?

If I know you, you haven't paid a penny.

Vulpes

No, not a single hard-won coin of mine

Has gone to gain this splendid cloth.

Marguerite

So husband,

You sly, word-spinning, swindling prankster,

Who was the victim of your fluency?

Vulpes

Oh, just that Jasper. Tight-fisted fool he is.

Marguerite

What tricks and falsities have won his trust?

He's such a shifty and coin-counting crow.

Vulpes

I almost drowned him in delusive praise.

I told him of my friendship with his fine

And great-souled father, then remarked upon

The real resemblance that his aspect shows

To his most generous progenitor.

Jove knows though, really he's the ugliest rat

That fortune's shipwreck ever washed ashore.

"Ah, good friend, Jasper," then quoth I,

"How pater-paired in pattern, form and feature!"

Which is part true: his dearest father was

A rodent-faced rapscallion as well.

In short, I plied him with such flattery

And then dropped hints of interest in his cloth.

And in the end he almost pushed it on me.

Marguerite

Trust you to talk with double tongue. So when

Are we to reimburse?

Vulpes

To reimburse?

I'd pay the fiend's black entourage back first.

Marguerite

So like old Æsop's fabled, foolish crow

Your fox-sly flattery just made him drop

The tasty prize into your waiting paws?

Vulpes

And soon he will arrive to taste some fowl

To find himself the only goose around.

So when he starts to clamour for his fee

This is my present plan. I shall be abed

As if in life-endangering, fierce illness.

And when he raps upon my bolted door,

In greatest melancholy you must beg

Respectful silence for the nearly dead.

If he then claims a past propinquity…

Marguerite

More plainly put! For you are not defending

Yourself before a judge… at least, not yet.

Vulpes

That is, he says he saw me just this morning.

Marguerite

Yes, certain as star show brings glow of dawning,

He’s bound to claim so, boldly confident.

Vulpes

Then you must say: "He's been bed-bound for weeks."

To which he shouts: "A joke, a cunning hoax.

Don't try to blind me with your lying talk!"

To which, indignant, you reply: "Is this

The moment for your joking tales, the time

To exercise your jesting tongue!" Then I

Shall all at once appear and do the rest.

Marguerite (thoughtfully)

It reasons quite a reasonable result,

Providing we convince with false conviction,

And furthermore I do not like at all

That pompous draper’s cheating rule. So be it!

So I shall play my part with some perfection;

But if it sours and he drags us to court,

We'll really catch a whack of stinging trouble!

Vulpes

No, no. My plan's in perfect place! I know

The maddened measure of my masquerade!

Marguerite

In perfect place! Just like that Saturday

You spent last year in patient meditation

On your misdeeds behind hard, perfect bars.

Vulpes

            O that! A foolish matter that, no more.

A minor, brief misunderstanding, dear.

Indeed, a mere mistake! Back to this present!

Now he will soon be here to feast on air,

His eager palm outstretched for promised gold,

And we've no coins to greet his legal price.

I'll be in bed.

Marguerite

Then go, dear dying double-dealer.

Vulpes

Take care to curb all cackling cachinnation!

Marguerite

What's that in words?

Vulpes

Just see that you don't laugh.

Marguerite

No, I shall weep like sudden summer showers.

Vulpes

So sail on straight as if your course were true,

No stalling of your resolute intent.

The faintest puff of falsehood and we founder.

Remember he'll be certain it’s a trick!

Marguerite

Go on. You be the dead, I'll be the quick.

(Vulpes enters the bedroom by front as if a door. He hides the cloth

under the bed, then lies on the bed groaning and turning. Marguerite goes within and starts practising gentle sobbing)

ACT TWO SCENE TWO

Music. The same. Towards midday. Jasper comes out of his shop, dressed for visiting.

Jasper (talking to himself as he crosses over)

No doubt his gleam-rich stash of doubtful gold

Is hidden well away from prying fingers-

Most likely loot that he has lifted from

Some ready fool who fell for sly-spun words

Or else extracted by some other means

Not open to right law’s strict-searching sight.

Still, that’s no matter to concern my mind.

The gabbling cheat was green enough to pay

His four and twenty coins a yard for cloth

That never will be worth an honest twenty.

(Jasper knocks at Vulpes's door- in mime at invisible wall.)

Jasper (loudly)

Hello there, master Vulpes!

Marguerite (appearing at the "doorway")

By heaven’s call,

Sweet patience lend a softness to your tone.

If you've some death-bed message to deliver

Let it be lulling-low. He must be shrouded,

In his most troubled and repentant time,

By restful weave of hushed and soothing peace.

Jasper (still full-voiced)

The mighty grace above us save you, madam!

Marguerite (firmly)

Good sir, I ask you to diminish voice.

Jasper (stepping forward)

By all that's good, now what is going on?

Marguerite (wringing her hands)

Oh, please, good sir; oh, please, please pity him!

Jasper (pointing)

Just tell me this one thing: is he within?

Marguerite

Where else?

Jasper (Jasper starting to move towards door)

Good, good. You see, I've come to see...

Marguerite (blocking him and interrupting with a fierce whisper)

That poves my point. My poor dear man's within;

At home with me, at home till his last moan.

Who else in this uncaring world would care?

The wounded bear bolts for his darkened cave.

The stricken fox hides in his furtive den.

Poor soul, he's lain here, wasting, six, long weeks,

Six weeks of weakening and worry's burden,

So fragile-ill he cannot even rise. 
 

Jasper (stepping back a little)

By all the great and watching powers above...

Marguerite

Please widen ears, sir, for I mustn't lift

My voice. The luckless devil's all done for.

Past sins, like many ghastly spectres rise

To haunt him, and life's thread draws thin.

Indeed, he's but a ghost himself, a pale

And willess wraith, his wits deserting him-

A drifting relic of his former self.
 

Jasper

Who's this? I mean, whom do you mean?

Marguerite

Why sir,

I mean, truth told, my man, good master Vulpes,

That once-famed lawyer, lost to fortune’s gaze,

Now broken by the turn of time’s great wheel,

My own, my only one, my dearest husband.

Jasper

Good master Vulpes, your own dearest husband?

He just took seven yards of cloth from me!

Marguerite (with phoney wonder)

What's this you say? My dearest dear?

Jasper (advancing on her)

Yes, yes,

I'm telling you, but some short time ago.

By all the sacred saints, this is too much!

He owes me for those yards of finest weave.

Do not false-play me! Seek not to deceive!

My money or my cloth, good Mistress Mischief.

Marguerite (throwing up her hands)

What crazy-minded stuff is this you’re talking?

Is this, perhaps, some stupid prank you’re playing,

A tasteless, teasing trick, a cruel game?

Jasper

Believe me, Madam, oh, believe me now,

I’ve no intention, not the mildest urge

To spin some silly freak of foolery.

Marguerite

Then why appear and burden my poor heart

With childish, untrue tales about my dear?

Jasper (impatiently)

Look, no more joking!

Marguerite

What! What! No more joking!

What fooling, fool, do you imagine here?

Is this the time for tossing wanton words?

Is this the day for jibes and witless jesting?

Vulpes (within, rolling on the bed and groaning)

Ahhhh!

Marguerite (advancing on him)

Hear that! Hear that! The poor dear's nearly done.

I doubt he'll live to see another sun.

Yet you come here and plague me with your lies!

Jasper (backing off a little, then advancing)

No! No! This is dark madness or deception:

The very demon of absurdity.

By reason’s beams that, sunlike, shine upon

What stands as real, respond and pass to me

My money now or else my precious cloth!

Marguerite

Your money or your cloth? What words are these?

Such speech is wild and whirling, without sense.

Go play your childish pranks upon some fool

With time to humour you, you chattering ratbag!

Jasper (indignantly)

My words bear perfect patterning- they witness

The simple evidence of my own sense.

The good, high Lord of Heaven strike me dead

If I'm not owed the rightly-reckoned sum.

Vulpes (within)

Ahhhhh!

Marguerite

Be gone. I'm in no mood for mindless banter.

Go on, be off, you crow! Go flap your wings

And soar. Go caw at someone else’s door.

Jasper (folding his arms)

That's quite enough; enough good Mistress Mayhem.

Please ask good master Vulpes to appear.

I wish a present, private word with him.

Vulpes

Ahhhhh!

Marguerite

The black fiend take you! What! Disturb him now?

Jasper

Yet surely truth's call calls you to admit

This is the very dwelling place of Vulpes.

This here- his very house, his very land!

Marguerite

Indeed. We're not all sense-bereft like you.

So please, please lower your proud, lofty bellow;

Please moderate your mighty, ringing tone.

Jasper (advancing towards the door)

The devil swallow it! By all fair dealing,

I’ll speak here as I feel that I should speak-

To place my point each sentence rightly seeks

Full-needed sense and sound. No more; no less!

Vulpes

Ahhhhh!

Marguerite (taking his arm and dragging him back)

May Heaven save us! Soft, speak soft and low,

Or else your very violence to the air

Will snap the dwindling thread of wasting life.

Jasper (shaking her off)

Soft? soft!? You wish me whispering to you?

Or signalling in silence with my hands?

Perhaps we'd have a quieter conversation,

As you reveal all things to be reversed,

If I stood on my head to speak to you.

Marguerite (throwing up her hands)

You always were an endless chatterbox.

Jasper

One of us, madam, has lost the mind's clear light

And wanders, woeful, in unreasoned night.

I'll quieten down when you treat me to truth-

Your patient took my yards of cloth for cure.

Marguerite (indignantly)

I wish some wrathful wind would carry off

All those whose careless speaking so infests

The reaches of the world-caressing breath.

You pompous prattler! You accusing ape!

You jesting jackass! He has lain, bed-bound,

Six weeks! Six sorry weeks! Be off with you!

Leave us to lonely worry… leave us be!

I’ve trouble here enough without your fooling.

Jasper (flinging up his hands)

You ask soft speech from me, yet loudly beat

The very bounty of the air yourself?

Marguerite

With you upon their threshold, frothing mad,

And spewing forth these false-lipped allegations,

Who would not feel inflamed and briefly fall

Into a sudden bout of thoughtless shouting?

Jasper (attempting to advance again)

I'll go if you just give what's due to me.

Marguerite (raising her fist)

I'll give to you what rightly is your due!

Jasper (quickly)

If that's the case- I think I'll take my coins.

Just place them in my palm and we'll forget

All trouble over this or that.

Marguerite

                                                   What coins?

Do you believe we should be billed for your

Fantastical and fevered fantasies?

Do you suppose we owe you gold to go;

That we should greet your hand with gain to leave;

That we should pay so you depart in peace?

Jasper

Well then, no gold- I’ll take my cloth instead.

Marguerite

What cloth? You're always speaking of this cloth!

The only cloth my poor heart will be using

Will be his white and tight-wrapped winding sheet.

Unplug your ears, you blockhead! Understand!

Just see the simple sense my words display.

The only way that he will leave this house

Will be, that is my certain fear, head first!

Jasper (vehemently)

Yet I just met him now this very morning;

This very morning talked and sold him cloth!

He seemed as full of heart and healthy spirit

As any man could wish to be!

Marguerite (finger to lips)

Sssh! Sssh!

Will you start speaking softly? Yes or no?

Jasper

As I’ve remarked already your denials

Sound louder on the innocence of air.

Vulpes ( within)

You wicked, sinful woman, let in light!

Who are these black and hooded people here?

Oh, mamacrama! Mamamamacrama! (ah as in father)

Away! Drive them away! Away, I say!

Marguerite

Defy the crafty, wicked one, my Vulpes.

Beat back the clever demons of delusion.

Keep sharply gripped to your own sanity!

Vulpes (within)

Oh, can't you see what I can see? Look there!

A black, back monk is winging through the air:

A bat-faced beast, his robes are all outspread!

Marguerite (to Jasper)

Now do you see? He's gone again. I hope

This fills your heart with happiness and joy.

Your crazy speech has sparked his haunted spirit;

Delusion grips the marrow of his mind.

Vulpes (coming out, wrapped in a sheet)

Who's there? Who's there?

(Vulpes pretends to take Jasper for the doctor)

Oh, doctor, doctor, oh,

I have been ill; so very, very ill,

So very, very, very ill, dear doctor;

Oh, doctor, do not make me swallow more

Of that black, bitter, biting medicine!

Jasper

What's all of this to me, my dear, old friend?

It's only four and twenty coins a yard,

Just four and twenty that I need from you.

Vulpes

I’ve got three hard, black pieces here, good doctor.

You call them pills? They nearly break my jaw!

Jasper

You've still to give me twenty-four a yard.

Vulpes (dancing around)

Oh, twenty-four! Oh, twenty-four no more!

Give me but twenty-four to live: one day

With hours enough now to repent my ways!

Marguerite

See! See now how he's lost again! By all

Far, twinkling stars that ring the night, they ought

To string up interfering fiends like you!

Go on! Get going! Be off with you, you devil!

Go! Lift those flat and foolish feet of yours!

Jasper (stubbornly)

By every beneficial force that guards

The great unfolding of our days, I won't.

I won't be off without my cloth; my cloth

Or all the settled coins I’m rightly owed.

Vulpes (scrabbling at Jasper, so that Jasper starts backing away)

Oh, doctor, doctor dear, oh, dearest doctor,

I greatly fear I have brought up so much

That I might simply fade away, like smoke,

Dissolving off into the endless distance,

The wide, wide, living stretches of the sky.

Marguerite (to Jasper)

Must you forever go on mouthing madness

About your phantom cloth, tormenting him

When he’s so troubled, tried; so nearly gone?

Who dreams delusion in a greater measure?

Who lives illusion more now? You or he?

However, you are sound enough while he

Walks in delirium, approaching death.

He stands before its dark, dark door. Oh, surely

It is enough to leave him thus, caught in

The crushing coils of serpent misery?

A thousand times I say- he's been this way

For six long weeks imprisoned in a bed.

Vulpes

A bed! O restful bed! Where is my bed?

(Vulpes totters off, back to bed)

Jasper (shaking his head)

How's all this happened since we met this morning?

For surely, surely we did meet this morning

And made brave bargain... or at least, I think...

Marguerite (with sympathy)

Perhaps you fell into some phantasy of sense.

You overwork and weariness confuses thought.

Your mind is tired and misconstrues plain truth

And takes to dreaming through your open eyes.

Soon feebled vision fails and so you find

You're spinning out all sorts of spectred scenes.

Heed good advice- go rest a little while.

Jasper (uncertainly)

Yet I saw certain sight, as certain as

The sun on high... are you preparing goose?

Marguerite (indignantly)

Bright stars above! Oh, what a thing to ask?

Is that fit food for feeble invalids!

Go cook a goose yourself, sir, if you want one!

Vulpes (from within)

Ahhhhh!

Jasper

I beg you, please don't think my visit vile;

I really thought...and I still do, indeed...

Indeed I do...I swear I'll find my cloth...

(Jasper moves towards the door but changes his mind)

But if I'm wrong how crass my part will sound.

How all the town will point to me as he

Who like some madman would demand the dying

Pay fee for his own fevered fantasy.

This wretched wife of his, with all her wailing,

Has muddled morning's simple certainty.

I know he nabbed my cloth- and yet it seems

He's tortured by some terrible disease.

I wonder if it's caught with ease? No, no;

I know short-past he hailed me hale and whole...

That is, I think he is...that is, this morning...

Can I, perhaps, be dreaming some strange dream?

Where meaning means not what it seems to mean?

It could be so, for if awake would I

Give my good credit to a dog like him!

Oh, hang me high for lending him my trust;

For now I can’t break through confusion’s wall-

I cannot clearly catch this thing at all!

(Jasper goes back to his shop, shaking his head and exits)

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

The same. Marguerite outside watching Jasper go. Vulpes comes to the door and whispers.

Vulpes

So has that sneaking son of an abacus

Gone yet?

Marguerite

Hush, hush, you fool.! Get back to bed.

For if, by sudden chance, he did return

And found you strolling round with such a look

Of health and satisfaction like some fox

Whose furry belly’s fat with farm-bred fowl,

I’m sure he’d see with but a single glance

Right through the whole of our well-played pretence.

Vulpes

Still, nonetheless, by all the shining shields

Of all brave-hearted, dragon-slaying knights,

We really shafted that coin-hoarding reptile!

Marguerite (laughing)

You should have seen the stunned bewilderment

All-featured on his face as he was leaving!

His mind was so divided that his vision

Was seeing truth and falsity as one.

Vulpes

Now by the patron saint of cheats and rascals,

Whoever that may be, stop laughing, dear!

For now I ponder it, you were full-right,

He may return at any present time,

And if he heard your laughing ringing out,

Our trick so fine would flame in smoke and fire,

Its slyly-crafted edifice consumed

By seeing truth’s incendiary, bright eye.

Marguerite (giggling)

Oh, dear, oh, dear, I'd stop if I were able!

(Marguerite puts her hand to her mouth to stifle the giggling)

Jasper (coming to the door of his shop)

Now by the glorious sun that lights our eyes

And brings night-hidden truths to every view,

I'm bravely going back to battle that

Light-fingered lawyer and his lying ways.

A little, golden nest egg, did he say?

I'll hatch those hidden eggs or hatch a case.

For, by Saint Jude, I know he's got my cloth.

Now I'm back here, recovered to clear mind,

I trust to proof of memory and reason;

And thus I know with knowing’s certainty

That he absconded with his woven booty,

Tight-tucked beneath his healthy, thieving arm,

This very day indeed- indeed he did!

Vulpes (urgently to Marguerite)

Stop laughing, dear! He may bounce back, you know.

Indeed, my very marrow tells me so.

For he’s of stubborn, thick and solid stock

And will not be put off by just one shock.

(Vulpes shepherds Marguerite inside)

ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

The same Vulpes and Marguerite in bedroom. Marguerite still stifling laughter. Jasper crosses and approaches.

Jasper (returning)

That lawyer's head is full of windy schemes:

All waffle and weird nonsense. Does he think

That I am such a lightly hoodwinked fool?

I'll show that cheat he won't cheat me with ease,

For all the shabby tricks that he can muster.

He's hangman-ripe, the rotten heretic.

(Jasper knocks loudly on Vulpes' door)

Hey you! Hey, hey, come let me in!

Marguerite

Oh, no!

He's heard me laughing. Now he'll be aflame.

Vulpes

Don't drop your part before the critic's gaze.

I'll play delirious pretence upon

A broader stage and so convince the sceptic

Who wavers still between belief and doubt.

Go, open wide the door.

Marguerite (coming to the door)

Quiet, quiet, you hothead!

What's this unmindful racket you're creating?

Enough to fright a ghost from graveyard sleep,

Or summon all the demons of the deep.

Jasper (as she opens the ‘door’)

You laugh, you laugh, do you?

Marguerite

What! Are you mad?

Do you suppose I find amusement here?

I’ve nothing, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing,

No, not a single thing, to laugh about.

By all the saints who guard celestial paths,

I'd sooner spin upon my sorry head.

My poor, poor dear has almost passed away!

Such raving, oh, such raging! Deliriums!

Mad singing! Such a flow of crazy scenes!

Trapped in delusions- caught in strangest dreams!

He gabbles half a dozen, senseless tongues

With wild and meaningless sincerity.

Indeed, I doubt he'll live another hour.

It's quite enough to make me weep and laugh

Together now.

Jasper (firmly)

Not one jot do I care!

It's less to me than babble at a fair.

For he can speak in every speech that springs

Beneath the sun, for all it bothers me.

I owe but one essential speech to give,

One thing to utter now while you both live-

You give me back my cloth or pay my fee!

(Vulpes enters looking dishevelled)

Vulpes (wildly)

Stand for her Majesty! Salute and bow.

The Queen of Lutes! Sir, have you lost your lute?

I know she recently gave painful birth

To four and twenty bright lutettes. They are

All children of the cloth. Their father is

Good Jasper, the archbishop. That would mean

That I, good sir, must be their guardian.

Jasper (stepping back)

What rubbish is he gabbling now? Come on,

I wish for payment for my cloth you've taken.

Marguerite (to Jasper)

Is not the one mistake sufficiency?

Vulpes (singing and capering)

Oh payment, payment. Oh, how shall we pay

The Great Lord on that last and judgement day?

Oh, owing, owing. O heart, what shall we owe

When He from high looks down on us below?

Jasper

Dear lady...I must say...I don't suppose...

(suddenly growing angry)

No, no! I know what I have known today.

Come! Pay up or be hanged! Mistaken, eh?

What makes me so mistaken, may I ask,

In simply asking you for what I'm owed?

Marguerite

A plague on you, you loud-mouthed lunatic!

It's clear your mind has lost all clarity

And you are stumbling in a mist of error.

(Marguerite shoves Jasper so vigorously that he staggers)

Indeed, you are demented, quite insane!

Oh, were I not a female, slender, frail,

And quite devoid of brute ability,

(she shoves him again)

I'd bravely bind you up for you're quite mad.

Jasper (regaining his balance)

I must insist you pay! I must! I must!

Marguerite (advancing on him)

Oh, such a sterling way for you to act,

So suitable for such a man of stature:

Wild-shouting loud and moon-touched accusations

As if to carry to the clouds above.

Jasper (moving back)

Well, strike me dead if ever I, again,

Give credit to a customer of mine.

Vulpes (mockingly in broad Scots)

Oh, whare ye be, my guid, guid gauld?

I canna, canna mair ye hauld.

An' nae mair, nae mair in my e'e,

Will ye glitter, rit sparklin'ly.

I canna, canna mair ye hauld.

Oh, whare ye be, my guid, guid gauld?

Jasper (backing further as Vulpes and Marguerite advance on him)

The dark-souled devil! Why he's sneaking off

Into far regions of the other world

With all my lovely cloth beneath his arm.

Vulpes (didactically)

Oh, Renard, red-brushed, vulpine visitant, distant,

On verges of the vision, keeps fine guardians

Of fowl domestic ever vigilant-

Yet on occasion time’s spinners favour

Celerity of instant, brash obtrusion.

Jasper (turning to Marguerite)

What utter nonsense is he uttering?

Vulpes

Ach, seh' ich Renard, kluges Füchslein!

Jasper

How does he gabble in so many tongues?

It seems the murkiest, strange matter that

I've ever stumbled on- mad-minded frenzy.

Yet by the sun's sane light, I was so certain

He visited this morning, feverless,

And full of wit and sense and healthful spirits-

As whole as any in the seeing day.

Could he be so transformed before light’s eye

Has even started sinking slowly towards

The westward line of golden dusk?

Marguerite

Do you

Believe me now at last?

Jasper

I do not know.

But there is surely something most amiss.

Vulpes (grabbing a broom and using it as a witch's broomstick)

I'm mad, I’m mad, mad as the mottled moon;

I'm mad, I’m mad, mad as the rushing broom!

With pure nonsense sense finds no debate.

So pray, do not quodlibetificate!

Kadarabraba, kadarabraba! So!

A fortiori, a fortiori ! Oh!!!

Jasper

Good lord, he's sinking fast! That spluttering,

Wild-whirling witchcraft's moony, midnight madness,

Was certainly no normal speech.

Marguerite

It must

Be near the hour now when the holy father

Should visit him, I fear, one final time.

The dreadful clock will strike, the hands will fall,

And that, for him will be the end of all.

Vulpes (dashing around)

Good day, good day, good day, good sir, to you.

Pray, deliquesce before delirium!

And oh, good holy pater, how we caper.

Tell me, good sir, good sir, what is the matter?

Are you, good sir, just fat and getting fatter?

So gooselessness is my good comity,

My thinning help, if you can follow me!

Ahhhhr!

(Vulpes sinks to the ground with phoney death rattles)

Marguerite (flinging herself on Jasper)

By all the sacred powers above- he's dying.

He's dying now. See, see! His living breath

Is leaving him. His mouth is frothing so.

And I shall be alone; left all alone,

Alone, poor me, alone and sorrowing.

Jasper (hastily extracting himself)

I'd best be off before he leaves this life.

He would not want me witness to the last

Confession of his sins. Please pardon, please,

Good lady, I have made some sorry error-

May God forgive me!

Marguerite

And amen to that.

May God forgive his sorry wife as well.

Jasper (crossing back to his shop as Marguerite continues to mourn over Vulpes)

Some pretty puzzle all of this has been.

Perplexing to all sense and reasoning!

He seems, indeed, doomed in grave illness, just

A few, bare inches from that final threshold

That none would willingly be crossing. Yet,

If it be so and he were not the one

Who came by buying but a while ago,

Who was it then? His double as disguise?

He’s twinned by none, I'm sure, in all the world.

(Jasper pauses, struck by a sudden idea)

Oh, no! Oh, no! Alas, alas, I know!

For now I think on it I’m sure I’ve heard

A dark, side whisper on such things- that is

That when some sinner's in his final hours,

The ancient enemy of good may steal

His customed form and walk abroad to add

More final weight to his soul’s troubling load,

Thus piling more bad deeds upon his name.

But even if this be an honest tale,

Why choose my mind as victim to deceive,

False-featured in a dying lawyer's form?

I never have been haunted so before;

Nor dogged by demons or dissembling visions.

Although… it could be warning that my craft,

My double-dealing ways, will drag me down!

Well, what the devil's taken let him keep!

I do not wish to fight him in the deep!

(Jasper exitsvia his shop, shaking his head)

Vulpes (bouncing up)

How's that? We’ve rid ourselves of one fool draper.

His mind's so mottled by my seeming madness

He'll wake as like with nightmares from his sleep,

And leave us quite alone till later times

When I've recovered- miracle to sight,

And vanished cloth has vanished in time's night.

Marguerite (agreeing)

Oh, yes. I think that's surely cooked his goose-

Well done both sides. Was not my part true-played?

Vulpes

It was a fine and natural performance,

In playing more persuasive than are most

Upon the creaking stage. Indeed, my dear,

No clever critic could distinguish it

From actuality- you acted out

So smooth a simulacrum of real woe.

(Vulpes looks about carefully)

I do not think we’re called for curtain call,

And so we take our own performing fee-

The cloth for clothes for both of us for free!

(Vulpes takes the bundle from under the bed and tosses it to

Marguerite. Pulling a curtain to hide the interior, they exit.)

ACT THREE SCENE ONE

An hour or so later. Lights dim. Slight musical interlude(Renaissance or Medieval lute would be possible). Lights come up.

Jasper before his shop.

Jasper (to himself)

All lies, deception, fraud, and trickery;

I'm just quite overwhelmed- no!- drowned by falsehoods!

It's open house on all my property,

And every devil saunters in and takes

Whatever catches fancy's eye. I seem

Catastrophe's own king, the emperor

Of woes, misfortune's very majesty.

For first I find that some shape-stealing fiend,

Some profit-lifting and unpaying spectre,

Purloins my precious cloth and vanishes,

Perhaps, who knows, to burn it in deep hell.

Then what fate follows on? Now I uncover

What soft suspicion murmured to me true-

That even my own shepherd steals from me,

He whom I’ve ever paid quite well… oh, well,

He whom I’ve mostly paid. Yes, even he

Has turned to hidden treachery, no doubt

Advantaged by my trust. But he, by heaven,

Shall not escape from this unscathed! He'll pay!

I’ll pour the law’s full fury on his head.

He’ll curse the day that he conceived deceit!

Oh, yes, indeed! Yes, he shall curse the day!

(William the Shepherd enters)

William

Good afternoon, good afternoon to you,

My goodly master. Bless you, dear, old master.

Jasper

So shepherd, you are here, you low sheep-stealer.

What have you to confess about your crimes-

The disappearing of my precious fleeces?

William

Beg pardon, sir. It is about... about,

About some things this fellow said to me.

He said you sent him as...what was it now?..

A bailiff... that was what it was. He was

A rather wild, untidy fellow, sir,

He gabbled something that I didn't catch

In all clear fullness of its proper meaning-

A lot about you, master, and a thing

He called, I think it was, a summons, sir.

He kept on babbling, Lord knows what he meant,

About the court, about your sheep, and what

You had been saying, Master.

Jasper

Yes, I sent

The bailiff with a summons for your sins.

I’ve caught you with your catch and now the court

Can catch the tale of your sly guilt. Prepare

To face the righteous wrath of law’s revenge!

You won't forget this lesson in a long time!

I'll teach you to take cloth... I mean to say,

To steal my sheep.

William

Good master, sir,

What's this about some cloth? I seem to see

Some stinging thorn has angered and annoyed you:

I'm scared to speak, so stormy is your gaze.

Jasper

You bother me! Be gone! But just remember,

You wolf in shepherd’s dress, you wild dog’s whelp,

To drag your sorry hide to court at four.

William

But surely we can settle this alone,

Good master mine. What use are courts to us?

Jasper

Be off! Be gone! There is no more to add.

A wise, clear judge can do the settling now.

I cannot let such guilt pass lightly by!

If I do not stand firm, a proud defender,

Repulsing all attacks from frauds and swindlers,

I'll surely end the laughing stock of town.

(Jasper storms back into his shop and exits)

William (to himself)

My master is now past appeal to peace.

His single mood's a frenzy of revenge.

I'd best scout round to find defence and arm

My worth with someone else's sturdy words.

Now let me think! What lawyer’s near and known

For cunning craft and clear, bold speaking? Yes!

The hire that I seek's not far to find.

I know the one to fit the form. I'll see

If master Vulpes will speak up for me.

(William starts to cross towards Vulpes’ house)

ACT THREE SCENE TWO

The same. William crossing over to Vulpes' house.

William (singing to himself)

The singing of the stars on high,

The truth that's in a liar's eye,

A ghost's footstep, the hammer blow

Of sunlight falling on the snow-

May these, the sounds of silence, teach

My master how to give his speech!

May every sense his mind conceives

Turn nonsense in the words he weaves;

May every syllable become

A trick to trip his troubled tongue-

May shifting meaning in each word

Make all his meanings sound absurd!

(William reaches Vulpes' house. He knocks on the door.)

Hello! Hello! Is anyone at home?

Vulpes (within)

Oh, hell's black horses! He's returned once more!

Marguerite

We must act now, upon the instant’s chance!

Vulpes

Go open up. I'll be abed and dead!

(Vulpes lies stiffly on the bed pretending to be dead)

Marguerite

And I’ll be dumb from grief’s great reckoning.

William (with a short bow as she opens the door)

The Lord be with you, mistress!

Marguerite

Oh... and you,

(Marguerite speaks loudly so Vulpes can hear)

My fine, young friend. What is it you are wanting?

(Vulpes gets up, and comes cautiously to the door, behind Marguerite)

William (pointing to Vulpes)

I wish to speak to him, in truth. Good sir,

A fellow came and said they'd fine me if

I did not come to court this afternoon.

Would you, good sir, come and defend me, for

I know but nothing of such things? Although

My clothes seem ragged, sir, I've money by.

Vulpes (coming out)

Well, money speaks when poverty is dumb.

For it can ever find a good defender

Whose gleaming eloquence is born from gold.

I'm sure we'll rightly reckon some arrangement.

Now firstly we’ll discuss in depth of detail

The tricks and turns within wild circumstance

That caused this false and sudden accusation

That you are bravely facing, seeking fairness.

Marguerite (to Vulpes)

I’ll leave you to your facts and figuring,

But mind you use your mind to work a way

With cleverness to carry off the day!

Vulpes (kissing her goodbye as she exits)

Dear wife, I'll try to keep your counsel well.

(to William)

Now set before me your whole, guiltless story.

William (cautiously)

I've fallen into trouble with... a man,

You understand. I've kept his sheep for years.

I took them to fresh pastures every day

And cared for them and watched for sudden peril,

In every wind and weather of the world.

He didn't pay me well, and so, you see...

Vulpes

Yes, yes.

William

One day, in spite, I sold a pair.

I told him they had died of foul disease.

Vulpes (adopting an air of court speech)

Provoked, of course, by petty parsimony-

Harsh poverty of pay. What happened next?

William (momentarily distracted by Vulpes’ display)

What happened next? Oh, yes, of course.

He said, "Don't leave their bodies near the rest.

Get rid of them." Well, that's just what I'd done;

And quite a pleasing penny they’d provided.

What else? Well, after that it grew to be

A habit with me, sir. I'd sell a sheep

And tell my master truly it had gone,

Neglecting, shall I say, full-honest reason.

Vulpes (thoughtfully)

Oh, yes, I see.

William

Well, finally, in fact,

Unfolding boldness led to foolish greed

And overcame my care. Too frequent were

The failures of the flock to seem chance fate.

My master grew to doubt my doubtful tales

And in suspicion set a secret watch,

From time to hidden time- a guard upon

My guarding rule. Thus came it so in time

That I, one sorry time, was seen to sin

And my misdeeds informed my master's ear.

So overall my thought is this: if I

Can pave your palm with coins, I'm sure that we

Could steal the seeming credit from his case

And leave him with a poverty of truth,

Too little left to catch clear, legal judgement.

I know he holds the right, but I believe

That your quick wits could twist it from his grasp.

Vulpes (with a smile)

I do believe that is a tested truth-

My wit has won a way in many trials.

Thus, with a good assurance, I can say

That I shall find a path. What will you give

If I turn justice round and find release?

William

How do a few, gold pieces sound, good Master?

Vulpes (eagerly)

In broadest terms, you know, you bring a brave

And excellent, clear case indeed! You see

The stronger an opponent's case appears

To simple sight at first, the weaker I

Can make it seem, reflected strangely in

The bright but bending mirror of my words.

Just let him tell his tale of woe, I'll find

Reply to make him pause and others wonder.

William

But how can you be sure of that, good Master?

Vuples

Come listen near. I sense you have the sense

To comprehend. Life’s real occurrence

Is not itself full-present in retelling

And so can be discredited to others.

For even evidence and first report

Can be assigned another sense of things

As long as you can forge the key to turn

Plain meaning to another meaning’s purpose.

So often times a clever stratagem,

Cool, crafty manner in the representing,

Quite overwhelms a fair and free but feeble

Expression of the truth. But what's your name?

William

The shepherd, William, sir...or William Shepherd.

Vulpes

Well, William Shepherd, I would guess

That you have harvested, as you explained,

Some many sheep from your mean master's flock?

William

About, say, thirteen in three years or so.

Vulpes (thoughtfully)

You felt they were a bonus on poor wages,

Necessities you garnered for survival.

Yes, yes, it's flowing finely; smoothly shaping.

And by the way, good William, do you think

That he can pull from his back pocket some

Well-trusted witnesses to testify?

This is a pertinent and telling point.

William

To testify. Oh, I should say he will-

He'll have a dozen witnesses at least.

Vulpes

Yes, yes, I see: that paints a darker picture.

But let us not let dread discouragement

Undo our daring and our clear resolve.

For all in all, when all is rightly weighed,

All that it means is this: we find the key

That opens his locked case and spills the contents

With such untidiness that all seems error,

A mess of false and random allegations,

Before he gets a chance to call upon

His plausible and many-voiced support.

William

But how can you do that? For I am sure

He'll wish to use all witness for his cause.

Vulpes

Oh, well, if that’s the way the breeze is blowing,

It does, perhaps, call for a change in tack.

So William Shepherd, we shall weave a plot,

Original enough to serve our course.

Let’s see- there must be something-let me think!

(thinking aloud)

A simple shepherd, that old judge, an angry

Accuser- yes, there must be something… something…

There must be something now… a simple shepherd…

Yes, yes! Good Mercury has keened my mind

With wild quicksilver lightning's power! Listen-

Hear this, my plan. Now firstly I'll pretend

I've not met you before; in fact, that I'm

Quite unacquainted with your person’s form.

William

Good Lord, good master, is that wise?

Vulpes

Don't fret!

It's part of my bold-arching plan. Now next,

If you but utter any words at all,

He'll find a fault, a contradiction there.

Indeed, all statements are the very devil,

Especially when one is, now how to put it,

As far removed from likely innocence

As is a goat among ripe cabbages,

A hungry fox inspecting well-fed hens.

And this, I fear, is more than ever so

When seeking certain, firm defence against

A charge of strongly-witnessed felony.

William

But how shall silence help my case, good Master?

Shall I not be more swiftly found in guilt?

Vulpes

It’s not in silence we shall seek salvation;

Although it does remain the case one fights

In peril if, quite inadvertently,

One ever offers factual response.

No, you must never speak a purposed word-

A single syllable whose sense could slip

Past your unguarded lips to highlight sin.

Thus when you there are called upon to speak

Before the court, you must reply, straight-faced,

With simple sheepish bleating... like your beasts.

William

With simple sheepish bleating like my beasts?

Vulpes

Yes, yes. Whatever's said you answer: "Baa!"

I'll say, with all of seeming innocence,

"I do not know this simple fellow, but

It shines quite clearly, like discerning day,

He’s just a homespun idiot who thinks

He is conversing with his animals,

Communing with those citizens of nature."

And even if they reel with anger, still

Say nothing but: "Baa, baaa!" You comprehend?

William

I grasp your great idea. I shall do so:

For every answer nothing but a "baa."

Yes, as a simple fool I can’t be felt

Responsible for reckless deeds.

Vulpes

That’s right.

Look sharp. Be watchful, still- and steady-minded.

Keep cool and level in your heart’s own feeling.

Remember that no matter what they state

You shall but answer with a plain-put "baaa!"

William

Oh yes, oh yes, good Master. I can see

With clear, sure mind what I shall do. No bold

And earnest question, chiding name or insult,

No driven words, no shout, no push, no probing,

No speech of any other sort at all,

From you or any other will get more.

Vulpes

We've chanced, I think, upon a pretty trick.

We'll snatch you from the jaws of justice yet.

Another matter, by brief way, be sure

My money's ready for me when it's due.

William

Of course, good Master. By all we take as true,

I'll have your payment ready, never fear.

Vulpes

We move as one on every twist and turn!

Yes, like two halves of one strong mouth, we'll snap

And gobble up the gall of troubling fact!

The breeze be in our heels. We’ve deeds to do

And little time to take. So see your dress

Is simple, suitable to seem a fool,

And be a trifle late. Our precious plan

Requires that I’m first, you follow later;

We must not seem, in any way, together.

William

I’ll race off like a storm’s wild wind and find

Some ragged clothes to clothe my simple mind.

(William exits hurriedly)

Vulpes

And I must polish my appearing too

And woo respect with touch of richer rag.

I wonder if that cloak we started cutting

Could measure up in time? I’ll check that chance

With Marguerite, whose skill is strong in this;

For it may be that there may be a way.

(Marguerite enters)

Marguerite

How did it flow? Has your wit spun a cloak

To keep him from cruel winds of accusation?

Vulpes

Indeed it has, dear wife. Indeed it has.

But now, to call on cloaks, I wonder if

We could form one to please the legal eye?

Marguerite

The time is short but if we work with will

I’m sure we can bring something to completion.

Vulpes (rubbing his hands)

I’ll fetch the cloth for our creation’s prize.

It may not rain with golden coins today-

But if all’s well, we’ll get a pair as pay.

(Vulpes exits into his house)

Marguerite (alone)

Well, now the furtive fox is in full flight

And finds its prey back in abundance now.

It seems this day that that rare visitor,

Sweet opportunity, has come to call

Not once but twice, and so, to greet him well,

I’ll cloak my dear in newly gained respect-

For something newly pleasing to sight’s pleasure

Can magnify a man to higher measure.

(Marguerite exits, thoughtfully)

ACT FOUR SCENE ONE

Late afternoon. Music to mark time’s passing. Vupes enters dressed in a new blue hat and cloak. This can be front of curtain or in a spot as the scene is changed if necessary.

Vulpes (to himself, examining his attire)

My wife of craft, my Marguerite’s a marvel.

Not one could ever raise dispute on that.

When time was twirling to a shortened measure,

Her nimble fingers danced to faster tunes.

For she not only speeded cloak’s creation,

So splendid, long, fine-flowing as it is,

But swifter than a stumbling speech could stitch

Description of the act, the deed was done,

And she, excelling any expectation,

Has formed as well this excellent, fine hat,

Completing thus a rapid, full provision

For new appearance in my old profession.

ACT FOUR SCENE TWO

The scene opens and lights come up. We discover the judge's bench, centre back. A stool is down stage left and another middle stage right. Vulpes strolls down to the left stool and sits.

Vulpes

So I am first, before the general crowd,

With grace of time to don mind’s armoured might;

Lift up my luminary shield of words

And wield the shining sword of sharpened wit…

(He pauses)

Well, so speaks pride perhaps, still I expect

I shall not have much fighting, heavy-hard;

I’m sure this battle will be easy-won.

For, as I thought, our man is that old fool,

Judge Jeeble of uncertain, forceful judgement.

(Judge Jeeble enters. Vulpes rises. He takes off his hat)

God bless your Honour this good afternoon,

And may He grant you all your heart desires.

May He provide prosperity and health,

And bless you with abiding fortune’s fullness,

And speed all worthy plans to sweet completion.

For surely Justice is entirely safe

When weighed with care in your most patient hands.

Judge Jeeble

You’re welcome, master Vulpes. Pray, sit down.

(Vulpes sits. Judge Jeeble leans towards him)

What prompts appearing here this afternoon?

Have you some busy case to bring before me?

Vulpes

I have no slippery problem to pursue,

No knotty matter to undo, Your Honour;

Indeed, no purpose but to look and learn,

To watch, attentive in humility,

The workings of true wisdom as revealed

In all your Honour's just and reasoned judgements.

Judge Jeeble (with a slight cough)

Yes quite. Indeed. Then you may sit and study…

And may I say, in all due modesty,

To view should bring a benefit to those

Who wish discovery of law’s great depths.

Vulpes

As usual, Your Honour sums the matter

With penetrating and succinct precision.

(Vulpes sits. Seeing Jasper enter stage right, he quickly conceals his shock. Meanwhile, the judge is arranging his papers)

Vulpes (aside, in a whisper)

Oh, hell and heavy weather brewing up!

How unforeseen, a change can turn the tale

And sudden danger dash all hopeful plans,

Reducing reason’s architecture to

A pile of rubble with an instant blow!

Why did I not demand that shepherd give

His master’s proper name! I could have known,

I should have known; in truth, I would have known

That Jasper is his vengeance-minded master,

May curses rain on his arraigning head!

(Vulpes tries to hide his face under his hat)

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

This session of the court is sitting now.

If anyone has matters here today,

Please bring them forth at once. I wish no wasting

Of public time and money at this bench.

Besides, I want to take my dinner early.

Jasper (bowing slightly)

My counsel's coming soon, Your Honour, sir,

Some minor but inevitable muddle,

Some bit of bother not to be put off,

Has just delayed him for the merest moment;

And so, Your Honour, I would be so grateful

If we could wait a minute longer for him.

Judge Jeeble

I’m sorry, but I cannot alter custom.

The law does not digest delay; it dines

At its appointed hour, not trading time

To make convenience for tardy minds.

(William, looking shabby, enters over near Vulpes. The judge produces an hourglass which he turns over and places on the bench)

And so I’ll waste no running sands in wait,

For we have but late afternoon’s brief leave

To balance and to settle all affairs,

Here in this town and its far-farming lands.

Hence not to be too wordy in my weighing,

I make immediate my judgement’s worth,

(I’ve already mentioned once) and call

For all of you to reckon readiness.

Indeed, in all my time upon this bench

I’ve never favoured those who plead delay,

Nor those who waste the court’s small-given hours

With pompous and pontificating speeches

And obfuscate with false elaboration,

Propounding this, expounding that, as though

To speak at great unnecessary length

Were guarantee of rightful victory…

As if the very weight of gathered words

Must sway the scales of justice in their favour…

Ah, yes. Oh, let me see. Where were we now?

Jasper (helpfully)

Not wasting time, Your Honour, sir.

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel again)

That’s so!

Thus, let us hear your matter straight away.

You are, in fact, the plaintiff, I presume?

Jasper

That is of truth, Your Honour, sir. I am.

Judge Jeeble

Who stands defendant, to deny your charge?

Jasper (pointing to William)

Your Honour, that's the fellow I'm accusing.

He's still and silent, trying to put on

Pretence of simple-minded innocence,

Like some lost lamb that lingers by the fence.

Yet he has done much wrong to ponder on;

And rather is a ravening, wild wolf

Whom I mistook for tame, flock-guarding hound.

Judge Jeeble

Enough! He is not guilty till true law

Pronounces such to be his doom. Proceed.

Since you're both present, state your case.

Jasper (with a bow)

Well, as Your Honour wishes so, I shall

Proceed to take the matter to myself,

As now it seems my counsel’s late and lost.

No matter, I shall make clear meaning shine…

I wish to charge him with all this... (Where is

That paper? Ah, yes, here it is.)

(Jasper rummages around in his pockets and produces a paper. He reads.)

As it

Is seen as true before both God and man,

This thief, this scheme-rich and fleece-scrounging scoundrel,

Whom I've assisted since he was a suckling,

Whom I have ever paid for honest labour,

Was put in charge of half my precious flock,

And he has made such secret selling that...

Judge Jeeble (interrupting)

To speak it clearly- did you always pay

Set wages for his shepherding of sheep?

That is, was it a right-inscribed agreement

To which you both agreeably agreed?

Jasper (puzzled)

Agreeably agreed, Your Honour, sir?

Vulpes

Your Honour, if I may suggest a way…

Jasper (recognizing Vulpes)

The heavens strike me blind if it be not

The very man I want! It's you- yes, yes!

My eyes are witness to that open truth,

No shadow doubt obscures this- it's you!

Oh, see, just see- he’s even wearing it!

Judge Jeeble (looking over to Vulpes who is holding his hand to his face,

trying to conceal himself)

What? What? He’s even wearing what?… Dear me,

Good master Vulpes, gripping grief appears

This instant to have fastened on your face.

You seem attacked by sudden slash of pain.

Have you been waylaid by that grim assassin

Who stabs the tender mouth when least expected:

The dreaded toothache?

Vulpes

Truth to tell, Your Honour,

I find myself caught by a trying pain.

But I shall find a cure. Let's proceed.

Judge Jeeble (to Jasper)

End off your story. Keep to clarity;

Like crystal waters in a placid lake

Through which we view the basis of your cause.

Jasper (excitedly)

It's him, it's him, I say. It's him, I know,

And no one else. He is no spectred shape,

No demon from the shadow deep. Oh, no;

He is of solid form, the one who stole

My cloth, who stole my seven yards, my good,

My good, good yards of finest, bluest cloth!

Judge Jeeble (to Vulpes)

What is he saying? What is this about

Good yards of cloth?

Vulpes (shaking his head)

I cannot guess, Your Honour.

His frantic words are filled with wild confusion,

Like storm-stripped leaves whirled through the tearing air.

He seems to lack the plain ability

To find clear meaning in this mind or speech.

Jasper (grabbing Vulpes by the sleeve)

He’s wearing it, Your Honour, don’t you see?

May I be taken for a long-eared ass

If he is not the one!

Vulpes (shaking himself free)

What are you saying?

The one, the one of what, you raving fool?

What will this madder-by-the-minute man

Be claiming next in his speech-firing frenzy?

And yet, and yet I think I do discern

A tiny, gleaming grain of meaning here-

This muddle-minded fellow, so it seems,

Believes this shepherd stole some wool from which

This cloth that I am wearing has been woven.

Jasper

Just tie me up and lead me to dry straw,

If it's not true, as I stand truly here,

That you...that you have got it all yourself!

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

Stop! Stop! We must have silence in this court,

So sense and point can reappear from it,

Replacing all confusion of loud speech.

(There is silence and the judge looks around)

Now that brings better harmony of mind-

A better order for our further finding.

(Judge Jeeble turns to Jasper)

Hear my command: just try to cease this witless,

Wild wandering from your tale's telling way.

Don't waste fair time with mad irrelevance.

Vulpes

Your Honour's pardon, but, for all my aching,

I cannot keep from smiling just a little

To see such tanglings of absurdity.

For like some comic seeking laughter’s praise,

He has so muddled up, in mad confusion,

The clear narration of his case, I'm led

To wonder if it brings a point at all.

Yet if, like Theseus, we seek a thread,

A single strand to guide us wisely through

The rambling labyrinth of his strange thought,

With its most monster-hearted accusations,

It seems that it must be to do with sheep.

Judge Jeeble

Quite right! Quite right! Let us return to sheep.

What happened next?

Jasper

He took the lot back home-

All seven yards of splendid, new-spun cloth.

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

Now listen here and listen hard! Do you

Jeer at my judgement; think I’m merely jesting;

Just joking when I ask for you to speak

With single, set, and simple purpose now

About the issue of your sheep?

Jasper

The sheep?

The sheep? Oh, yes, Your Honour, sir, it's just...

Vulpes (interrupting)

Your Honour, I know nothing of this case,

Yet even so I see this matter’s murky.

So if I may break in and be so bold

As to suggest a path to clearer vision...

Judge Jeeble

Yes, yes! Of course! Indeed, please forge ahead.

Vulpes (pointing to Jasper)

To judge but by his speaking, it appears

This draper is a fine one to bring charges

When even his attempts to right-express

The simple substance of his allegations

Is quite beyond his power of declaration.

But nonetheless, it seems to me that we

Might drive a straighter, swifter way into

The hidden core of this entangled quarrel

If, by your leave, we were I allowed to try

Examination of the shepherd's story

And see the viewpoint of the so-accused.

Judge Jeeble

Good. Very good. A fine suggestion that

May bring sweet sense to bitter chaos. Proceed.

(to Jasper)

You may be seated, silently for now.

Jasper

But, but, Your Honour, sir….

Judge Jeeble

At once! Sit down!

(Jasper sits)

Perhaps this shepherd's tale will spin more sense.

Come here, good fellow.

(Judge beckons William)

Give your point of view.

(William comes forward)

Well, speak!

William (as if puzzled)

Baa, baaa!

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

What's this? What's this? Do I

Hear rightly now? Did he say "baa"? Now look,

No fooling now. Come, clearly speak.

William (forthrightly)

Baa, baaaa!

Judge Jeeble

You'd better not be making fun of us.

I shall not tolerate distain for all

That rightly stands embodied in this court.

So do not think that you can play the fool

Or I'll have you in irons for your contempt!

William (cringing)

Baa, baa!

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

Enough of all this anarchy!

I will not have law’s honoured institution

Mocked by some madcap, hayseed jest.

Vulpes(hurriedly)

Perhaps,

Perhaps, Your Honour, if I may suggest,

That that may be in no way his intent.

It's rather, I suspect, that he was born

Without the basic wit for normal life.

And in this witless state he’s grown an exile

To human company and comprehension;

And so, while even standing in this place,

He thinks he's still among his rams and ewes.

Jasper (turning to Vulpes)

You! You! What utter nonsense you are mouthing!

You took my cloth! You stole my splendid cloth!

Your Honour, sir, you don't know what a trick...

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel again)

Be quiet! Quiet! What? Are you raving mad?

You have been ordered more than once. Forget

This mania that’s fastened on some cloth.

Jasper (excitedly)

Most humbly do I beg Your Worship's pardon.

It's only that this whole, well-schemed deception

So fills my heart with fierce, fierce anger's fire

All other thoughts are scorched to ash. If I

Let him escape today, Your Honour, sir,

He'll find some way, some underhanded means,

To slip the net and so get off quite free!

You see, Your Honour, sir, as I have said

Already more than once, I gave him cloth...

(Judge Jeeble lifts his gavel)

All right, that is, about the stolen sheep,

I beg your pardon, sir...this crafty fellow,

Who's suddenly decided he's struck dumb,

This shepherd who was meant to shield from harm,

And then he said he'd surely pay me later,

No, what I mean is that the shepherd here

Has been three years...he said, good, golden coins,

No, he had sworn to guard the flock and do

No mischief... yes, if I came to his house...

Oh, what I mean to say is that they're going

To get away with all of it- the cloth,

The coins, the sheep, denying everything...

Just look at master Vulpes there, I swear

He's grinning to himself in secret now,

I mean, he sold the sheep and took the coins...

And when he had the cloth he hurried off

And said that I should come and share some goose.

Judge Jeeble

A goose?A goose? There's not a thread of reason,

In all this raving, ranting carry-on!

I mean, what does he mean? First it's all cloth,

And then it's sheep, and where do gold coins fit?

Vulpes

I'm sure the trouble is that he holds back

This poor and simple shepherd's rightful wages.

Jasper

You'd better shut your lying mouth! Oh, no-

Not you, Your Honour, sir! I want my cloth,

I want my cloth or money! You and I,

Yes, you and I know where the shoe is pinching.

Judge Jeeble

What shoe is this?

Jasper

Oh, nothing, sir, I'm sorry.

But he's the greatest cheat you’d ever find

In all your living days… I mean, Your Honour,

I'll do my best to keep quite quiet.

Judge Jeeble

We do

Not want your silence. We want your story, told

In plain simplicity and ordered sense.

Jasper

I'll do my best to keep to one clear line...

Vulpes (interrupting hastily)

Now at this point may I point out, your Honour,

That this young shepherd here should still be able

To help illuminate the dim confusion

Which veils the tale of this demented draper.

However, it seems clear this simple shepherd

Cannot reply with reasoned clarity

Without the careful aid of guiding counsel.

Now be this pleasing to Your Honour, sir,

I would be truly glad to proffer help,

To spark in him true speech, encouraging

A calm and clear relating of his case.

Judge Jeeble

Help him? I doubt if there's much profit there.

Vulpes

It's not the clink of coins that I am after.

It's just to see true justice done, Your Honour.

I'm sure the poor fool needs assistance if

He is to answer in a rational

And normal, sense-related manner here.

Judge Jeeble

All right. By all that’s sane, give it a try.

We’re heading down the road to reason’s ruin

By following our present course.

Vulpes

My thanks,

Your Honour. So I shall proceed. Come here,

My simple friend. Come, give a plain reply-

You comprehend why you are here in court?

William (shaking his head)

Baa! Baaa!

Vulpes

Now listen! Hear and have clear answer.

So what does "baa" betoken? Are you trying

To say a word but can't get past the start?

To barter in barbaric barbs or bask

In barbers' barley baskets- all start so.

Is any one of these the word you're wanting?

William (loudly)

Baa! BAAA!

Vulpes

All right, all right! Be calm! Attempt

To tell the court and our good judge all that

Occurred to cast you in your current case.

William (mournfully)

Baa!

Vulpes

What's all this "baaing" all about? Are you

Alive up there, up there beneath your hair?

William (questioningly)

Baa? Baa?!

Vulpes

You think you're still out in the fields,

Beneath the gentle sun and free, blue sky,

Among your softly-grazing flocks?

William (softly)

Baa, baa.

Vulpes

Come, simply answer yes or no.

William (soberly)

Baa. Baa.

Vulpes

Now listen- did you sell some sheep or not?

William (earnestly)

Baa, baaa!

Vulpes

Whatever are you saying now?

Now surely you don’t think we're shaggy rams?

Be warned. Our judge is sharp and shrewd and not

Some sleepy, woolly-headed, sheepish beast.

Speak up! Speak up!

William (loudly)

Baa! Baa! BAA! BAA! BAAA! BAAA!

Vulpes

The man's completely bleating mad, Your Honour.

It's evident he's kept sole company

With speechless rams and ewes for far too long;

And like the changeable chameleon

Whose outer hue grows true to its surroundings,

As green to leaf or brown to rough-barked trunk,

So he has grown to think and speak in sheep.

He's even crazier than the crazy draper

Who senselessly wild-spins wild accusations,

And who has brought a crazy case against

A fellow even madder than he is!

Judge Jeeble

Stop! Stop! It's quite enough to split one's skull!

Vulpes

Your Honour, may I recommend this shepherd

May just as well return to mind his flock.

It would appear to any observation,

That weighs behaviour with a sober sense,

That he is not a person of sound mind

Who may be held responsible for all

His actions as true-reason-guided deeds.

We'll get no more from him- a total fool.

Jasper (furious)

A total fool is he? By all that's holy,

He's sharper-witted than you are yourself.

Vulpes

May I just say, Your Honour, if it's useless

And hateful to harass a half-wit, then

Far more may it be said in this sad instance.

Thus to interrogate and sternly press

For clear-set answers that can’t be returned

Is far, far crueller with a quarter-wit,

Like this poor, feeble-minded shepherd here.

Jasper (to Judge Jeebles)

Is he to leave before you hear my case

And rightly validate my valid cause?

Judge Jeeble

Since he is feeble-minded, yes- why not?

Jasper

But surely you will hear my case, Your Honour?

For simple justice asks- demands you should.

I may have seemed confusion’s very child

But that was not through malice or deception

Upon my part but rather rascal-breath,

Through boldly-spoken, plausible deceit

That bars admission of the basic truth,

Has so upset my sense and stable speaking

That I have not explained my case at all.

Judge Jeeble

No more of this mad, idiotic prattle!

This argument of fools is quite enough

To burst one's brain. Now listen here, if you

Come butting in once more I'll clear the court.

Jasper

Then you'll dismiss my simple, honest plea?

And you'll not listen to my case again?

Judge Jeeble

What, what! Take heed of warning given. You

Are trespassing upon last patience now.

Vulpes

And if it please Your Honour, I object.

He wants to draw us by the nose through all

His reasonless, wild rigmarole again.

This shepherd is, Your Honour, there's no doubt,

The fullest fool you'd ever chance upon;

And this, his madman master, muddles all.

Jasper

And what about my cloth? You're just… not honest!

Vulpes

He's growing madder with each passing minute.

Jasper

I recognize your voice, your clothes, your face.

I'm really very sane, Your Honour, sir.

Just let me straighten out this crooked story.

Vulpes

I must advise your silence. You've been warned.

I wonder that you do not blush with shame

To bring this case of false, wild accusations,

This litany of crazy lies, against

A harmless son of earth's simplicity.

Why, even just suppose, suppose for sake

Of purely-illustrative argument,

He sold a sick, decrepit ewe, not worth

A couple of brass pennies, what of that?

He's earned the worth of that and plenty more

While watching sheep in every weather known,

In fearless guard against ice blizzard’s rage

And stealth and fury of night-hunting wolves.

Jasper

You see, you see, Your Honour? Do you see?

I speak of cloth and he replies with sheep.

Where is the cloth you spirited away?

Vulpes

What! Would you choose to wrap a man in chains

For one old mangy fleece? Be calm, man, calm.

This violent animosity against

A poor, weak simpleton who may have made

One honest error, ill becomes you here.

Jasper

The devil must have prompted me to sell

My lovely cloth to such a cunning cheat!

Your Honour, I demand...

Judge Jeeble (banging his gavel)

I acquit the man!

And I forbid you further prosecution.

What has this witless world of ours become?

Preferring charges against an imbecile-

A ridicule and right absurdity!

If you're so poor-informed of your own trade

That you permit a mindless idiot

To labour for your profit and increase,

You must digest the fated consequence.

(to William)

You may go back now to your flock.

William (with delight)

Baaa! BAAA!

Judge Jeeble (to Jasper)

And you have shown the sort of man you are!

Jasper

But sir, I only wish...

Judge Jeeble

Be quiet, by heaven,

Or I shall lay a charge on you myself.

Jasper (pointing to Vulpes)

But, but Your Honour, sir, Your Honour, sir,

This is the man I really wish to charge;

His clever chatter's cheated me, Your Honour.

Vulpes

I really don't know why he's raving on.

I hardly know the man; and I recall

No act of mine that's done him injury.

I must suppose that he has caught a mania

For prosecuting people...and, just having

Lost victim one he's trying for another.

Jasper

You're such a liar! Sir, just let me speak...

Judge Jeeble

Oh, very amusing, I must say! Must you

Forever rave so, flaming with confusion-

Your wretched racket battering our ears?

(Judge Jeeble rises)

And so, good day to one and all. And now

I'm going home.

( speaking to William)

Be off, poor friend. You're free.

You are acquitted. Do you understand?

William (nodding)

Baa, baa.

Vulpes

I think he's giving thanks, Your Honour.

Judge Jeeble (to Vulpes)

Both muddled, mad, impossible, you know.

Jasper

Is this, this justice? Your Honour, sir, I beg...

Judge Jeeble

Enough, enough! My dinner's waiting! You

Grow tedious like some annoying fly

Whose buzzing path disturbs the busy brain.

Away! A pox on you! Away! Be gone!

I'm going home! Be off! You bother me!

Come, Vulpes, come and dine with us tonight.

Vulpes (holding up his hand)

My toothache, sir. Much as I’m flattered by

Your kind request, I fear you must excuse

My most reluctant, sorrowful refusal.

Judge Jeeble (gathering his papers)

Yes, yes, of course. Well, parting let me give

All thanks for bringing order to this bedlam.

Vulpes (bowing)

A simple pleasure; but I must object

And say: Your Honour’s wisdom was true cause.

Judge Jeeble

Well, well. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps it’s so.

The clearer eyes will always find the light;

The wiser mind will always reach the right!

( Judge Jeeble exits)

Jasper

You thief! You low, conniving double-dealer!

Vulpes

I think, dear sir, you have mistaken me

For someone else, less reputable... perhaps

You're thinking of my twin, my double, Lupus.

Sometimes, in fun, he borrows name and figure,

But he's a swindler; I'm a lawyer, sir.

Jasper

Don't think you've heard the last of this, you dog!

I'll find some way to pay you back in kind!

(to himself)

          And in the future I’ll be less inclined

To grasp with greed each seeming chance I find.

(Jasper exits)

Vulpes

Farewell, old feather-brain! Well now, good William,

Did I not serve you proudly now?

William (enthusiastically)

Baa, baaa!

Vulpes

There is no need to go on bleating now,

For you can shed the sheepish show, you know.

           We spun a pretty devious defence

            And made tough, binding rope from slender thread.

Was not my counsel most successful?

William (nodding)

Baaaa!

Vulpes

No one can hear us now. No need for fear.

Resume your claim as reason’s creature here.

Discard the beastly noises of pretence.

            You can regain the wonder power of speech-

So marvellous for indicating truth,

So useful for concealing it as well.

William (shrugging)

Baa, baa!

Vulpes

Well, as you will. It's time for me

To lift my heels and head for home. Perhaps

You'd like to settle this and pay my fee.

William (in pain)

Baaa! BAAA!

Vulpes

No, no. There is no need to act

Your part of wordless fooling now! Come! Come!

Cough up a pair of golden, gleaming discs,

Two metal suns, and we are done!

William (in greater pain)

BAA! BAAAA!

Vulpes (coaxingly)

Now, now; you played your sheepish part with real

Finesse, all solemn-faced and foolish-seeming.

A fine and simple-sounding mimicry

It was indeed! It really had them beaten!

William (cheerfully)

Baa, baaa!

Vulpes

Why bleat to me? It's over now.

Let’s go and celebrate the swift success

Of our dumbfounded trick, our wordless ruse.

Devour roast goose while downing giddy wine!

What do you say to that?

William (eagerly)

Baa, baaa! Baa, baaa!

Vulpes (angrily)

Enough performing of your farmyard farce!

No further fooling now, my bleating friend!

I have fulfilled my role in our sharp practice

And now demand we settle and be gone!

William (puzzled)

Baa, baa?

Vulpes

By Mercury’s light-winged, wise ways,

Have you forgotten all the help I've given?

Ungrateful wretch! I'll have your stinking hide!

William (pretending to cringe)

Baa, baaa!

Vulpes

Enough of all this sheepishness!

If you think this is some strange, rustic joke,

The fun is finished now- you've had your laugh.

So just regain your reason and your speech

And pay me what I'm truly owed.

William (shaking his head)

Baa, baaa!

Vulpes

By all the powers above us and below,

You sneaking, underhanded, little thief!

I'll have the bailiff on you right away!

William

Good master, surely you'd not prosecute

A poor and harmless simpleton, would you?

That would seem far too mean for even your

Repute. You cannot go too far, TOO FAR!

Baa, baa! Baaa, baaa! BAA, BAA! BAAA, BAAA! BAAAA! BAAAA!

(William runs off laughing)

(Vulpes starts to run after William, but thinking better of it, stops)

Vulpes (staring after him)

By all that bluffs and bothers and bewilders,

The rascal’s right! I cannot catch him now.

(Vulpes pauses and sighs)

There was a time I fancied that I was,

Without a single doubt, the lord of cheats

Of all the regions hereabouts, the king

Of tricksters, jesters, and all scheming wits.

(with a shrug)

But now a young fox has outfoxed the old.

Yet I've the cloth and Jasper has no gold.

And I did win the case, although the pay

Was not the best that's ever come my way!

Well, there’s an end. The players leave the play;

Soon night will dawn- then dawn will bring new day.

Now all I need's a way to be discreet

In explanation to my Marguerite.

(Vulpes exits, thinking feverishly)

Lights fade.

THE END



                    NAIL BROTH
a folk comedy


TECHNICAL NOTES

The light of the fire of the stove can be made from a red bulb within a simple box-like structure painted black for the stove. The light shines through the grating.


Entrances are flexible (merely to indicate the existence of a front door, and a couple of rooms offstage)
A few mats are good to break the bareness of the stage and to help conceal the chord to the the stove light.
The broth is cordial-coloured water; the things added are just thrown in. A bit of material (as long as did does not contain a water-soluble dye) can be used for the beef. The sardines are small, water-soaked pieces of bread- far easier for the tramp to swallow quickly. The brandy can be flat ginger beer and the bread and cheese, bread and cheese.



Scandinavia

NETTIE SKEEN a mean old woman

OLAF BASIL   a cunning, middle-aged tramp



SCENE -A ROOM WITH AN OUTSIDE DOOR AUDIENCE RIGHT AND TWO INSIDE DOORS ON THE LEFT SIDE: ONE FORWARD, ONE BACK. ON THE LEFT THERE IS A STOVE WITH A BIG IRON POT NEAR IT. A CUPBOARD WITH SOME BOWLS, SPOONS, LADLE, A JAR WITH COINS AND SO ON. A SMALL TABLE AND A COUPLE OF STOOLS. NETTIE IS IN THE ROOM SWEEPING. A KNOCK ON THE RIGHT DOOR.
         

           NETTIE
Well now, who's this then? It better not be one of those scrounging neighbours of mine come to steal some sugar or something.

NETTIE CROSSES AND OPENS DOOR. IN THE DOORWAY STANDS OLAF BASIL

OLAF
A very good evening to you, my good woman. Allow me to introduce myself. Olaf Basil's the name- Ol' to my friends.

OLAF BOWS AND TAKES OFF HIS HAT

NETTIE (SUSPICIOUSLY)
Well, good evening, then. I'm Nettie Skeen. And where do you hail from then?

OLAF (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
South of the sun, east of the moon. Yes, I've been everywhere, roamed all over I have...(AN AFTERTHOUGHT) except for this village hereabouts, of course.

NETTIE
You must have travelled a lot then. And what will you be doing here then?

OLAF (APOLOGETICALLY)
Well, it's like this, you know. I rather need some shelter for the night, you know. Bit low on my luck, just at present. Not really used to asking for this sort of thing, you know.

NETTIE
Just what I thought! Well, you may as well be on your way at once, then. My husband's not at home, but I can call on my neighbours if need be, and my place isn't a boarding home or a rest place for wandering tramps!

OLAF (WARMLY)
Hey now, you mustn't be so unfriendly, you know.

OLAF ENTERS AND TALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE

NETTIE
Why not, then?

OLAF
Well, we're ALL tramps in one way or another, you know. Depends on how you look at things. Yes, we're all tramping under the same sky, (HE GESTURES GRANDLY TOWARDS THE CEILING) we're all travellers towards time's endless horizon, we're all wanderers in life under God's good heavens, and so we must help each other on life's long journey, you know.

NETTIE
Oh, all right, all right then. I'll let you to sleep on the floor for the night. (REACTION FROM OLAF WHICH SHE DOESN'T SEE) But you mustn't be getting the mad idea I can feed you or something, then. Haven't got a scrap of food in the whole house, and that's a fact. No, not even for myself. Well now, I'll be back in a minute, then.

NETTIE EXITS FRONT RIGHT DOOR

OLAF (MUSING AND LOOKING AROUND)
Well, well, well... She's not so badly off as all that. Quite comfortable, I'd say. Plenty of food here too, I'd reckon. Stingy old bag of bones, isn't she? Not a scrap of food in the whole house... well, well, well...Never mind that, I'll fill my belly here in some way; no worry there!

NETTIE RE-ENTERS

Well, Nettie, this is a fine home you have here; no doubt of that, you know. (PATS HER ON THE BACK ) What a wise place to build indeed, I'm thinking!  (NETTIE SHOWS A POSITIVE REACTION) You must be doing all right to own a lovely home like this, you know.

NETTIE (SUDDENLY SUSPICIOUS)
OH NO, it's hard time for us, it is!

OLAF (CHANGING TACK AND TRYING TO GET SYMPATHY)
Yes, it's hard times I've fallen to as well, you know.  Ever since my dear wife passed from this world of woe.  Left me all alone in this cold life. (HE LOOKS SORROWFUL) Went to the bottle to drown my sorrows; lost my job, lost my home. Haven't eaten a morsel, not a bite, for two long days, you know. (NETTIE WHO WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL SYMPATHY REACTS NEGATIVELY TO THE MENTION OF FOOD) Begging your pardon, but you wouldn't have just a scrap of something to ease the gnawing ache of hunger, would you?


NETTIE
Don't try to get around me with your wagging tongue. Times are hard, just as hard for me. As I was saying to my husband, Wihl, the other day.. "Wihl," I said, "Times are hard, just so hard. I just don't know where the next meal is going to come from." No food in this house, so it's no use for asking for any!

OLAF(PRETENDING TO BE SYMPATHETIC)
Oh, you poor people! I'm so sorry. (CONSPIRATORIALLY) I'll tell you what! I'll show you a secret I don't show many folks- seeing how greedy and stingy many people are, you know.

NETTIE (WITH CURIOUSITY)
What are you talking about then?

OLAF
Well now, there's not many people I'd show the great secret to, but seeing how needy you both are…

NETTIE
Well?

OLAF
Well,  what I said about not eating- it's not altogether true, you know. I have to spin that sort of story so people take me for just a plain and ordinary tramp- it's hard to say what lengths some people would go to get my secret from me, you know.  

NETTIE
What secret?


OLAF
WELL, seeing how your husband and you are so hard up. . .
(GENEROUSLY) I thought you might like to have dinner with me!

NETTIE (AMAZED)
DINNER WITH YOU! I'd like to know what you can offer us then!

OLAF REACHES DOWN AND PICKS UP THE POT AND HANDS IT TO HER

OLAF (GRANDLY)
He who has journeyed and has been
Over the hills and far and wide,
Sees many a thing that's never seen
By those who stay by their fireside!
(CHEERFULLY)
So-if you'd like me to brew us a beautiful dinner, just fill up the pot with water.

NETTLE
Oh, all right, then; but just remember I've got nothing here to help you then.

NETTIE EXITS FRONT LEFT DOOR

OLAF (TO HIMSELF)
This recipe's never failed me yet!

HE PULLS A LARGE NAIL FROM HIS POCKET AND LOOKS AT IT CUNNINGLY. NETTIE RE-ENTERS WITH POT FULL OF WATER. OLAF PALMS THE NAIL

OLAF
Just put it over the fire.

NETTIE
There you are.

SHE PLACES IT ON STOVE. (STOVE IS "LIT" FROM BEGINNING i.e.  A HIGH BOX AFFAIR WITH LIGHT AND RED CELLOPHANE  FOR EXAMPLE)

Well?

OLAF
Watch.

HE SHOWS HER THE NAIL, THEN PROCEEDS TO WEAVE A MYSTERIOUS SPELL AROUND IT WITH HIS HAND

Alchemy, Stone of the Wise,
Nail of Knowledge, before our eyes!

Mars, O Mars,
Your mighty metal is
What this magic nail can give
To the boiling water now-
Iron strength of brewing power!

Martis Ares, ferrum whole...
Flavour's locus- speak with soul!

So take the power to cook and boil
A rich and tasty broth with all
The feeling of a tasty brew;
The flavours I command of you!

HE TWIRLS THE NAIL AROUND

There!

HE THROWS THE NAIL IN THE POT

NETTIE
What on earth is this going to be then?

OLAF (WITH SATISFACTION AS THOUGH HIS CONJURING HAD WORKED)
Nail Broth.

HE STARTS STIRRING WITH A WOODEN SPOON THAT HE GETS FROM THE CUPBOARD

NETTIE
Nail broth, nail broth... that couldn't work, could it? Nail broth- my, if it did...wouldn't that would be a marvellous thing for poor people like us to know! Imagine that, nail broth then- I've never heard of anything like it. But if works, my, how I'd like to learn to make it.

OLAF
Well, just watch me, my good woman. First off, you see, like me you must say a powerful little spell over your nail to get everything in just the...well, in the  right mood, you know. It's very important to draw the spirits of plenty to our endevours, if you know what I mean. Yes, very important that is.

NETTIE
Yes, yes.

OLAF (CONFIDENTIALLY)
But the main thing is in the stirring, you know. Stir slowly, around like this. Above all, twelve times clockwise, and seven times anticlockwise... Twelve for the great signs of the zodiac, you know, and seven for the seven spheres within them.  HE DEMONSTRATES Woolly-headed ram, mighty bull, tricky twins, nipping crab, lion pouncing on its prey, fortune's fair maiden, weighing scales and then the sting.  Next the archer hits the mark, then the sneaky goat, life's water and something fishy last of all. Moon's for change, Mercury is cunning, Venus seeming, dazzling sun and then brave Mars jovial Jupiter and old man time.

 NETTIE 
My head is spinning round and round!

OLAF
So, it's most important, don't you see, to call upon the powers on high.  The currents from the stirring (don't you understand me wrongly now) can then work with the iron in the nail to form

NETTIE (ABSORBED)
Yes, yes, then.

OLAF
Temperature's important too, you know. Not too hot, not too cold. It's a good idea to bring it slowly and gently to the boil- if you know what I mean.

NETTIE (PEERING IN)
I see.

OLAF
This sort of a nail mostly makes a good broth, you know. But this time it's just possible it might be rather thin, as I'm afraid I've had to use the same nail all week. (WISTFULLY)  Ah, if only we had a handful or two of oatmeal to thicken it up a bit, it'd be glorious, you know. (WITH A SIGH) Still what we don't have, there's no use thinking about.

NETTIE
Well, well, what about that then! Do you know, now I come to think about it I do have a little oatmeal somewhere.

SHE EXITS

OLAF (TO HIMSELF)
The magnetism of my nail begins to do its work, attracting what it needs from hidden places.

NETTIE (RE-ENTERING, WITH A SMALL BAG OF OATMEAL)
Here you are, do you think this will help then?

OLAF (TAKING THE OATMEAL)
Yes, yes, this is fine. (HE PUTS ABOUT HALF THE OATMEAL IN THE POT AND CONTINUES STIRRING.) You know, this broth would be splendid, good enough for company, if we had just a few potatoes and say, some salted beef. (HE ADDS THE REST OF THE OATMEAL) But that's the way of the world, you know; and what we don't have there's no point in wishing for.

NETTIE
It's a funny thing, but now you mention it- I have a vague idea that I do have some potatoes and beef somewhere. Wait a second. I'll just go and see then.

SHE EXITS

OLAF (STIRRING)
Well, well, this nail is preparing a great broth, that's for sure- but maybe we can go for perfection!

RE-ENTER NETTIE WITH BEEF AND POTATOES

NETTIE
Here, do you think these will do then?

OLAF (TAKING THEM)
Oh, yes. These will do the trick all right! (HE THROWS THEM IN) (INSTRUCTIVELY) As you see, it's all in the stirring, gentle-like, you know- that's how I go, gentle and slow. Now, now, iron nail, cook the broth and cook it well. (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) You know, Nettie this'll be delicious, good enough for any of the greatest people in the land.

NETTIE
AMAZING, imagine that then! and all made with just a nail!

OLAF
In fact, you know I'd say, you could practically serve this broth to the king himself- of course, you'd have to add some flavouring, say a  drop of milk and a little barley. You know, if poor people like us just had such things- why, with the help of this nail we'd be able to feast like we were in the king's court itself! I know, you see, 'cause I served under the royal cook for a while,  in my better days. . . and this is very like the broth he used to have every evening!

NETTIE
Well! Well! Like the king himself, eh? I never then-!

OLAF
Still, you know, what we don't have there's no use hankering after.

NETTIE
Now let me think then. Yes, yes. I'm almost certain I've a little barley somewhere and I'm pretty sure I'm not quite out of milk. I'll just go and check then.

OLAF (TO HIMSELF)
WELL, well, as they say: there's more than one way to skin a cat.

NETTIE (RE-ENTERING WITH THE BARLEY AND MILK)
I found some then.

OLAF
Thank you, this will make it really fine, you know. (HE POURS THEM IN). Just give it all a bit more stirring, so.  .  . (HE LIFTS THE SPOON AND TASTES THE BROTH)  Ah, yes. Now it's ready. . .we'll have a fine, old feast! You know, of course, the king and queen always used to have a glass of brandy. . . and sardines. . .and cheese and bread with their broth. . .ah, yes, I well remember how we used to prepare it for them. All nice and royal with a tablecloth and all, of course. (HE CONTINUES STIRRING) Still you can't have everything, I suppose, and what you don't have, you know, there's no earthly reason to go wishing for.

NETTIE
Ah, wouldn't it be nice to eat just like the king and queen do- for once then. I think that if I look real hard. . . .I do have a tablecloth, and we have a little brandy somewhere and a bit of bread and cheese, maybe even some sardines too.

NETTIE EXITS

OLAF
Well, that's one of the best brews I've ever made.

NETTIE RE-ENTERS. SHE  PLACES THE SARDINES, BRANDY AND BREAD AND CHEESE ON THE CUPBOARD.

NETTIE
I found it all, you see. I'll just set the table then.

NETTIE SPREADS THE TABLE SETS THE BREAD AND CHEESE ETC ON IT

OLAF (AS SHE IS DOING SO, STILL STIRRING)
I'll just test the broth once more. (HE MAKES A GREAT SHOW OF LIFTING A SPOON OF IT UP, SMELLING AND TASTING IT) Ah, yes, yes. That's perfect! Just like the king's own broth, you know. Now if you've got some bowls handy, I think it's about ready to be served, you know.

NETTIE
I do have some bowls somewhere.

NETTIE GOES TO THE CUPBOARD AND PRODUCES BOWLS AND SPOONS.

And there are some knives and plates for the extras as well then.

NETTIE SETS KNIVES AND PLATES ON TABLE

OLAF
That's fine, fine! Now then, allow me to serve you your broth, Your Majesty! (HE LADLES A MODEST AMOUNT INTO NETTIE'S BOWL.)
And a little for me. (HE LADLES A LOT INTO HIS OWN BOWL WHILE NETTIE'S BACK IS TURNED AS SHE TAKES HER BOWL TO THE TABLE)
Note- it is desirable that the broth has some colour, this can be achieved safely by cordial in cold water.

NETTIE (TASTING THE BROTH)
This is delicious! It's just amazing, amazing it is.

OLAF(SWAMPING IT DOWN)
HMM,  yes. It is delicious, if I say so myself! Just like the king's, you know! Allow me to serve you a few sardines, Your Majesty!
HE DOES SO. The sardines can be wet bread scraps for ease of consumption
And a couple for myself! (OLAF RISES AND SERVES NETTIE, AS SHE GOES TO EAT HE TURNS AWAY FROM HER AND GOBBLES DOWN THE REST OF THE SARDINES)

OLAF SITS DOWN AND THEY CONTINUE TO EAT

OLAF
Yes, it's wonderful what you can do with a simple nail if you know how, you know. But, of course, the extra ingredients do help a little bit. But as I said before the main thing is in the stirring.

NETTIE
Yes, the stirring.

THEY CONTINUE EATING

OLAF
Allow me to serve you some bread and cheese. (HE CUTS HER A SMALL SLICE AND HANDS IT TO HER.) I'll save myself a bit too.(HE QUICKLY SLIPS THE REST IN HIS POCKET, LEANS FORWARD SO SHE CAN'T NOTICE THE VANISHED CHEESE AND FOCUSES  HER ATTENTION ON THE CONVERSATION) You know, those were the days when I worked under the king. You should have seen HIS dining room. Huge it was. Lit by shimmering candles in chandeliers, with all the finest people in the land sitting up and discussing deep matters or laughing lightly…

NETTIE
AH, wonderful!

THEY FINISH THEIR BROTH

OLAF
Well, that's as nice a drop of broth as I've ever tasted. Right royal it was, wasn't it?

NETTIE
Marvellous- and think of it, all made with a nail!

OLAF
Allow me to serve you some brandy, your Majesty. (HE POURS HER A LITTLE) And a little for me. (HE POURS HIMSELF A LOT) A toast to the nail!

NETTIE
To the nail then! (THEY DRINK)  AH! I'm getting sleepy.

OLAF
Me too. Well, if you don't mind, I'll just stretch out here on the floor.

HE GOES TO LIE ON THE FLOOR

NETTIE
No, no. I can't have a fine, wise man like you sleeping on the floor in my house then. Come, I'll find you a nice bed in the spare bedroom for you to sleep on. My children used to sleep there, but they're all grown up and leading their own lives now. But we kept the bedroom anyway: as I said to Wihl, you never know who might be dropping in to visit overnight. SHE INDICATES THE BACK DOOR LEFT

OLAF
Well, it's just like sweet Christmas time, it is. I've never, you know, in all my travelling, come across a nicer person.

NETTIE GOES TO THE CUPBOARD AND GETS A COUPLE OF COINS OUT OF A WOODEN JAR

NETTIE (GIVING HIM THE COINS)
Here's a little repayment for what I've learnt from you. And many, many thanks then. We'll be able to live in comfort now I've learnt the trick of making nail broth.

OLAF
Well, it's not so difficult as long as you remember to add something good to flavour it and remember the stirring, won't you?

NETTIE
Yes, yes. I will. Good night then.

OLAF
Good night. Much thanks for the loan of the pot.

HE EXITS BACK DOOR LEFT

NETTIE (LOOKING AFTER HIM)
My, my, you don't meet men like that every day, that's for certain. No, such brilliant people don't grow on every bush.



                THE END